Mindfulness or Dissociation?

You are not your thoughts….. You are not your feelings….. You are not your mind or your body. These are the non-dual teachings of many spiritual traditions. In essence they are correct, but they also have their place in time, or season, so to speak. Don’t let the non-dualists hear such talk, because time and seasons don’t exist either.

AUM (Om) - A for Creation, U for Sustenance, M for Destruction or Transcendence.

There is a time and place for destruction and transcendence, the letting go of everything you think you are, the mind and body, becoming just witness consciousness, the non-dual teachings. But when is this time? In the oh so popular now? What if you have experienced trauma? What if you have become oh so good at dissociating? Because you had to become the witness while you were being abused? Sexually, physically, and/or emotionally? I can’t tell you how many clients, I have encountered, who utilize mindfulness to dissociate from their feelings and from their bodies, because they don’t want to feel what their bodies are carrying - trauma. This is what is called spiritual bypass - the use of spirituality and spiritual teaching to escape, just like a drug.

Yoga - to join or unite. The union of body and mind. Trauma research prescribes yoga as one of the interventions, to help integrate a mind and body that has been fragmented due to trauma. Embodiment is what is needed in order to heal from trauma. You are your body. You are your mind. They are yours. They do not belong to your abuser. Right now. At this time. In this place. There is great power, in embodiment. But many non-dualist practitioners may not want to hear this. It is too scary to hear. The trauma is too scary to face. They will continue to use their drug of choice, to escape from the pain.

We transcend our trauma by becoming embodied. By learning what is ours. By having a strong sense of “I”. By understanding what is mine and what is not mine. What is yours and what is not yours. Sounds like the ego doesn’t it? There is a time and place for the ego as well. There is a time and place for the self. Your body and mind is yours, not your abusers. Get it? Reclaim your body. Reclaim your mind. Reclaim yourself. Become powerfully embodied. In this existence. No need to escape or transcend it, at this time, right now. It’s not so bad here.

And then there will come a time, when oh so powerfully embodied, you will not be scared anymore. To let go, to open up again, to give up the “I”, to that which will never harm or abuse you. Only at this time, when you are ready, will it be time, in the now, to let go of the self again. To transcend, the body and mind, to dissolve your embodiment into the great ocean from which you came. To come full circle.

Aum, creation, sustenance, transcendence.

Dr. Michael Garbe

Spiritual Perfection

The need to be perfect stems from having been injured. It is the belief that if you had been perfect in the first place, you would not have been injured, and if you are perfect now the injury will disappear, or you will never be injured again; perfectionism is used as protection.

Perfectionists also expect perfection from others. If others are perfect you will not be injured again. If your injurers had been perfect, you would not have been injured in the first place.

Striving to be spiritually perfect is just another form of perfectionism, just wrapped up in a prettier package. It is another form of protection, in the hope to avoid further injury, but coming from a place of injury to begin with.

Spiritual awakening is not about being spiritually perfect. It is not about being Jesus, or Buddha, or holier than thou. It is about being yourself, your truthful self, and of course your healthiest self. There will be refinements and sacrifices to be made for your betterment, but what will remain is you, or who you have always been.

-MG

Searching?

The search/desire/longing "for" a guru or mentor is the search/desire/longing "of" an injured child, a want to fill in a hole, a child seeking a mother or father to guide and show them the way.

Psychodynamically, the guru or mentor sought after, usually coincides gender-wise with the parent whose guidance may have been lacking, the male or female energy which may not have been provided fully and there is a current longing for. "Generally" speaking, in this day and age, it has been the father/male figure whose connection to the child has been lacking, hence the multitude of male "gurus" in the marketplace, a female "guru" however, fulfilling a similar need on the other end; at different times, gurus/mentors of both genders being sought after to fill in multiple gaps.

Have you longed or searched for a guru/mentor?

Are you aware of why you have been searching?

How would you like your guru/mentor to help you?

What would you like this guru/mentor to do for you?

That you may not believe that you can do for yourself? Yet.

Just remember a good parent teaches independence and empowers their child. A good parent wishes for their child to achieve greater than him or herself, to evolve, to become the next good parent rather than remain a child.

Is your guru/mentor doing this for you?

Teaching you that you are are your own guru?

 

MG

Messages

Every message serves it’s purpose, at it’s specific time and place. There are multiple audiences which require multiple messages; we are all at different stages of development and will require different messages at different times. Even messages that are “wrong” can be “right.” I have learned the greatest truth by listening to messages from teachers, which were absolutely wrong for me, or right, because they led me to my truth; the truth that we are all embedded with the ability to discern the truth, because we are the truth. My message to you, trust the truth that you are.

- Michael Garbe

Lessons

When one is sick or in pain, it is often easier to surrender, to listen, to what needs to be done to heal, which is to listen, to surrender.

Once healed, it is harder to continue to listen, to continue to surrender, until the lesson repeats itself. Either way, in time the lesson will be learned. The hard way or the somewhat easier way.

 

(MG)

"No" and Relationships.

Having healthy boundaries equates to having respect for self, which then translates into having respect for others, being able to say "no" and respecting when others do the same.

With all due respect to boundaries, ourselves, and others, it is vitally important to respect the exchange of "no" from one to another.

With all due respect to boundaries, ourselves, and others, it is then vitally important to assess where we stand in relation to one another, after this exchange has taken place.

Hypothetically and relatively: The partner who says "no" to a marriage proposal, will not be as close as the partner who says "yes", and so on and so forth.

 

(MG)

Unity Consciousness or Poor Boundaries?

The striving for unity consciousness, the pursuit of merging into "all that is one", and "all that is love", will not save you from the injuries of having had poor boundaries to begin with! When pursued prematurely, this striving is just another expression of dependent and co-dependent behavior and the further pursuit of unhealthy relationships - a manifestation of unhealthy learned dynamics.

You must first learn how to say no to others, as a function of saying yes to "Self" and "God". Once you know who "you" are, you can then connect and merge with the truth of all others. You will experience this Unity Consciousness you seek, only when you find it within yourself first.

(MG)

Strength and Faith

Please do not confuse someone who makes it look easy with "just having it easy" or "just having had an easy life". Strength is gained through facing adversity. This someone worked hard for their "ease".

Please do not confuse someone who has surrendered to the synchronicity of life with "just being lucky". Faith and trust are gained through facing fear. This someone worked even harder for their "luck".

Please do not confuse your journey with someone else's. EVERY individual has his or hers unique set of circumstances and challenges to face, regardless of what presents on the surface. You will gain strength and build faith when you surrender to and work on your journey.

 

- Michael Garbe

Balance and moderation?

"Everything in moderation" or "It's all about balance".

Both reality and delusion.

Yes these statements can be true but they have also become an excuse. Without the scale being calibrated, how can you find the balance point? Without reaching your zero or still point, how do you know what moderation is?

Statements like "everything in moderation" and "it's all about balance" are often used so people can try to have their cake and eat it too, so that people can justify life and lifestyle decisions, deluding themselves into thinking that they are not sacrificing anything in exchange, so that hard decisions, self discipline, and will power do not have to be exercised, so that surrender and sacrifice do not have to be practiced.

You are what you prioritize. You can't always have your cake and eat it too. Or you can when finally reaching balance and moderation. However, sacrifices must be realized. Often hard decisions must be made. Balance and moderation can be achieved, however it is more of a difficult process than a simple statement. The reality will hopefully trump the delusion.

 

(MG)

Have you really separated?

The initial attempt to create healthy separation will usually be physical - actual physical separation from the other person, by breaking up from a relationship or moving away from a parent, etc. This is only the initial movement however and often gives a false perception of actual separation. Note: If you cannot be physically close to the person physically separated from, without being affected, you have not really separated from them. There is still an attachment. 

TRUE healthy separation is emotional and psychic. It involves exploring the dynamics that kept you attached to begin with. Usually a dependency, a fear, a fear of separation, a fear of hurting oneself and/or the other person. A fear of growing into one’s true expression and allowing the other to do so as well. Healthy growth and expression coincide with emotional and psychic independence. Once this individuality is achieved, physical distance is no longer of import.  We can be as close to, or as far from, someone or something, but still within ourselves.

The process of true healthy separation may often ask you to revisit the initial separation, either actually, person to person, or emotionally within yourself. To tear away the initial false perception of separation. To explore the wounds and hurts that kept you attached to begin with, the wounds that are most likely still being carried around under a false perception of independence and separation, which may also affect your ability to enter into new or go deeper into existing healthy relationships, with others as well as yourself.  True healthy separation takes work. It is not as simple as breaking up. It is as difficult as breaking through.

  

 - Michael Garbe

 

Are you really selfish?

Are you really selfish? Or are you just being manipulated?

A dependent individual may often call you selfish, as a form of manipulation, when you are creating healthy space for yourself from what may be an unhealthy co-dependent relationship.

You are never being "selfish" if you are not purposefully hurting another person. If a dependent person is hurting, due to separation, it is because they need to work through their dependency and separation anxiety issues; you are actually doing them a favor by creating this healthy separation.

Being selfish implies that you do not have consideration for others. However, having consideration for yourself does not equate to being selfish. Have consideration for yourself. Take care of yourself. You will then be a much healthier partner in any relationship.

 - Michael Garbe

Ourselves and Others

There are those who you will grow closer to and those who you will grow apart from, yet others who you will say goodbye to and reconvene with at a later date, or not.

Don't resist this change for it is part of your growth process and each individual will experience the most profound of changes in solitude. Be brave. Allow this space, for yourself and for others.

- Michael Garbe

Children are their own.

First and foremost, your children belong to THEMSELVES, just as you do, to yourself. Your sole job is to love them unconditionally and allow them to grow into THEIR truthful expression.

Do not be scared when they are not as conformist as you. It is not their job to be just like you, especially if you have remained stagnant, in old patterns, beliefs, and ideologies. It is their job to evolve, to take the best of you, to leave the lesser behind, and evolve into something greater. This may cause you fear and discomfort, especially if you have remained stagnant in your process.

Do not be scared of this process, when this expression looks and feels different than what you are used to. Evolution implies growth and change, growth and change implies discomfort. It is a natural process. If you love your children unconditionally, you will allow them to grow into their own truthful expression, even if different from yours. If you love them unconditionally, they will be good people, no matter how different their expression is from yours.

If you are fearless enough, you will evolve with and through your children. If they are fearless enough, they will evolve with OR without you. Wouldn't it be better to go along for the ride together?

(MG)

Further thoughts on Boundaries….

In this paradigm of existence, boundaries ARE necessary, for we were not born in heaven but on this playing field and there ARE forces in play that we had to or still have to create boundaries from.

The only way to create boundaries is as a function of the factors that we are creating boundaries from. Boundaries are not needed nor can they be created in a vacuum. I always say, it's easy to call oneself zen, sitting quietly in a cave in the middle of nowhere, or in a peaceful forest, or by the ocean, or on vacation, but it is in contrast to other, differing, and more erratic, sometimes hostile energies, in which one truly practices and hopefully masters being zen. Come back from your cave, into a New York City Subway, during rush our, in the middle of summer, while the AC is out, and the train is stopping every 5 minutes due to signal problems, remain calm and then you are truly mastering being zen.

There are those who say that we should all get away, find a peaceful place to escape, from the hustle and bustle, from the pain, however… is this not just running away? No, we must confront our tests and challenges, in order to overcome them, in order to build boundaries, to self empower, in order to be at peace, to find our zen.

But then….??? Why is it that we learn boundaries??? Is it to have to practice them for the rest of our lives??? Why is it that one learns a martial art? Maybe for self-defense. Maybe they have lived in a hostile environment. But should one have to fight for the rest of his or her life?

I don't believe so. I believe that we can not run away from our lessons. That learning boundaries, learning how to say no is one of the most important lessons we can learn in our lives. But then AFTER this lesson is learned, AFTER we are self empowered, we can THEN use this power to create the lives we want. We do not have to practice and utilize boundaries and self defense for the rest of our lives!!! Sometimes, and often times, it will be time to say GOOD BYE.

(Michael Garbe)

You are more...

 

There are thoughts, there are words, spoken and written, and then there are feelings. And often these feelings do not fit in the category of thought or expression of thought. This is when you realize that feelings are deeper than thought and you are deeper than your mind, that you may not be your mind, and your mind may not be enough to express your being.

This is a good thing.

 

-Michael Garbe

Empaths/Highly Sensitives and Boundaries

Those who are empathic, meaning those who are highly sensitive often have the hardest time developing healthy boundaries. The reason is creating healthy boundaries and healthy separation, which is vital for personal growth, often causes pain in those who we are creating healthy separation from and due to being highly sensitive, the empath will feel this pain of the other, in him or herself. In an attempt to alleviate this pain of others which is felt within the self, the empath will often sacrifice him or herself - will often sacrifice his or her truth; this is unhealthy for all parties involved. Nothing is more important and powerfully healing than the truth. The truth hurts, however, the truth will also set you free.

 It is easy to be independent when not caring about or for the needs of others. This does not translate into "healthy" boundaries but boundaries and protection based on fear, an extreme form of this being narcissism, the sole caring of self without regard for others. 

The double edged sword of being an empath and highly sensitive is that you will feel more of everything - joy and pain. It is necessary to feel the pain of others in that it connects us to humanity. However, as one cleanses one's own store of pain, it is also necessary to create healthy boundaries and to have healthy detachment. When we can feel the pain of others, but no longer personally identify with it and make it our own, we can than assist others in healing their pain, rather then getting sucked into their quagmire of it. 

The importance of creating healthy boundaries and separation is that we develop an individuality and truth of being that is no longer influenced by the judgement, fear, and pain of others. This state of being is of the utmost importance for the empath, for the highly sensitive, for the healer, even if it causes discomfort in those struggling with their process. Without healthy boundaries, healthy separation, and healthy detachment, we cannot grow. It is  through these processes that we do grow. It is through one's own personal growth that others will grow as well, whether they like it or not. 

The empath must learn to accept the discomfort of other's personal growth, just as we accepted the discomfort of our own; this is the development and utilization of healthy boundaries and a respect for the often painful process of growth through truth.

P.S. For those trying to spiritually bypass their pain (Spiritual Bypass Blog), there are no magic boundary shields. Be grateful when you are triggered by others, heal and cleanse your personal pain rather than avoiding this process or blaming it on the other, and you will establish for yourself the most powerful, personal, and self developed boundaries there are, created from within and non-dependent on magic or the assistance of another. Remember, boundaries imply individuality and self empowerment; self empowerment implies putting in the work.

(Michael Garbe)